Det är så jävla svårt

How can something so insanely wonderful take such a fast turn and become something ugly and consuming. I can't even put this to words, I'm so angry.

I just went running like a maniac, ran past my old school, stopped to cry a little, ran even harder, stopped to cry again, realised that the sobbing little creature in the window's reflection was me, and then let my feet go.

And it's about money, isn't it always. Either money or boys. This time probably both.

I mean, I knew living in Islingon or near Covent Garden wasn't going to be cheap and I wasn't expecting it to be. But I didn't know a year could cost me a year's savings and a whole Summer.

I was supposed to go to Copenhagen, then travel around, then come home for a while and say goodbye to everything and everyone and go to London. But hey, things never go as planned.

I know I'm being childish and selfish (I mean, look at all the I-letters in this post) but this still stings. A lot. More than anything ever.

This was supposed to be the last carefree Summer before diving into a world that's so new and exciting and draining and difficult and rewarding. This was supposed to be the time to really fall in love with that boy in Copenhagen and smell of coffee beans every night after work, have tanned skin and sea salt and sand everywhere and a sun that shines so powerfully that you feel like you can't breathe.

This is turning into a nightmare. I'm not good with money, I'm only good at being young. I feel like quitting but I know London and where I'm going is a chance of a lifetime that, to be honest with you, most people will never get. I know I'm being irrational. I know I'm being an asshole. I'm simply angry. So angry that I feel like not breathing ever again.

I'm so angry and sad and confused that I just couldn't gather the courage to run across that bridge over the highway. Because, you know that people are divided into two categories:

Those, who don't feel a thing when they cross a bridge.

And those who, when standing somewhere high get a tingling in their body and however happy and full of life they might be cannot stop thinking of a simple thought: what if I jumped now?

I don't know how I'm going to survive. But I will do it, fuck this I will do it.