2013-05-17

Sugar overdose



I'm definitely not made of sugar and spice and everything nice but rather of a confused heart, too little muscle and a tendency to bruise.

I had a dream where I wanted to die. I went to the pharmacy, bought a pill in a cute baby pink package, it was supposed to kill you. I said my farewells and goodbyes, swallowed the pill, but immediately afterwards realized I did not want to die after all. I remember running in bathrooms, throwing up and hoping the pill hadn't dissolved into my blood system yet. I remember my eyelids getting heavier and a blind panic setting in - I did not want to die. I had too much to do, too many places to see and too many faces to love.

I woke up in sheer panic, feeling like I'd had a near-death experience. I went to buy carrots and ended up buying San Pellegrino, semi-skimmed milk and chocolate cereal.

We're going apartment shopping tomorrow, seeing as we need a new place for next September. London's a pain when it comes to houses, but it's kind of exciting anyway. 

Also, everyone and their pets know Alan Watts and his famous What if money didn't matter-thesis, but here it is again, because it's been crowding my thoughts on the tube, on the corner of Russell Square and when I wake up:

If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way. 

 And after all, if you do really like what you’re doing, it doesn’t matter what it is, you can eventually turn it – you could eventually become a master of it. It’s the only way to become a master of something, to be really with it. And then you’ll be able to get a good fee for whatever it is. 

So don’t worry too much. ... But it’s absolutely stupid to spend your time doing things you don’t like, in order to go on spending things you don’t like, doing things you don’t like and to teach our children to follow in the same track. 

 See what we are doing, is we’re bringing up children and educating them to live the same sort of lives we are living in order that they may justify themselves and find satisfaction in life by bringing up their children to bring up their children to do the same thing, so it’s all retch, and no vomit and it never gets there. And so, therefore, it is so important to consider this question: what do I desire?

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