2013-04-18

Last post: 9.11.2012

New post - need to clear my brain and for some reason I've never been good with a pen and paper. I take comfort in knowing that this blog is near to a real diary - not many people remember its existence. 

Emotional recap: 

I fell in love with an ex-junkie over the Summer. He was good-looking in the peculiar sense of the word: the pieces were too odd alone, but together formed an interesting puzzle. He had a few tattoos that I deemed ugly right from the start. He didn't mind. He was skinny and had always had trouble eating. When we were together I lost a lot of weight mirroring his habits. Detrimental but at least I finally thought I looked decent. We spent almost seven months calling each other love and other nicknames you come up with when you're infatuated to death. When I lived in his apartment in Copenhagen he would wake up from nightmares every second night. One morning we'd been at a Hawaii theme party and he was sleeping his hangover away. I left him there and went for a long walk to the seaside to clear my clusterfuck mind. He called, I didn't pick up. He panicked and called and messaged friends. I still didn't pick up. When I came home he was angry and relieved. He thought I'd been kidnapped.

It eventually ended. I didn't feel anything, mostly because London took up so much time. School, liberalism, realism, the perils of colonialism. Nights in Dalston, mornings in Bloomsbury. Friends with yachts and friends with nothing. One pound tequilas, giving five pence to a homeless man. Runs to Regent's Park, avoiding French homework. Crying just because. Getting pizza in the morning to comfort a friend who had broken up. Making friends, losing potential lovers. 

I wined and dined with rich PR guys who made me laugh in the way you laugh when you're actually bored to death and wish the your company to be someone else. I went to the ghetto to meet a french boy who tried to kiss me thrice. I learned to say no in a loud, clear voice.

I went to the Saatchi but it was closed, tried to go to Victoria & Albert but ended up going to the Natural History Museum. Later on I found out that I wasn't worth pursuing. I felt horrible. Cracks on the surface, but little by little I have learned not to care. 

I just came home from Stockholm. Four days of scandinavian bliss. Via boat, naturally. On the way there we met horrendeously funny architecture students, drank expensive drinks, went to see the sunset. There we were, creating memories on a dancefloor that was overcrowded with lower class middle-aged women. 

Now I am facing an empty Summer. My education means nothing for the people who want to employ dynamic, hard-working Summer employees. I'm falling into well-hidden nepotism.

What to do now? Everyone is tied up: Summer jobs in newspapers, magazines, hedge funds, pressure groups. I am the only one with an empty page: I can't afford to stay in Helsinki, but I'm afraid to travel alone. I have always wanted to learn how to surf, but it's always been a question of next Summer. Now might finally be the time?

Flyg från Helsingfors (HEL) till Faro (FAO) 284€.

Välj och fortsätt.

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